Always
by Authorchick13
Summary: Jasper goes missing leaving Bella heartbroken. Where did he go? What happens when they find each other again? JasperXBella
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

"You don't want to be like me forever Bella." He muttered angrily staring out at the stars. I sighed and turned my body to face his.

"You're right. I want to be with you and I want to change how you feel about this existence because honestly, Jasper, you're the greatest thing that happened to me. This was true fifteen years ago and it's even truer now and I can't imagine a future without you." He glanced over at me, his long honey hair dangling near his eyes.

"A lot has changed in these past five years Bells, for one I'm no longer human. How the hell can you still want me?" He spat out the words with venom but I could tell he wasn't angry, but sad. I smiled and reached my hand out to touch his face.

"Because it is you." He nuzzled into my palm briefly before darkness clouded his visage again. He abruptly sat up and turned his body so his face was hidden from me.

"Is it?" He voice thick with pain. "Am I still me? I can't drink wine with you and laugh at movies anymore. We can't go get pizza when one of us had a shitty day. And with you human Bella, I can't touch you anymore. I can't kiss you or dare to hold you because I might kill you. I can never have a family with you. No, I'm not Jasper Hale any longer. I'm merely a pale comparison of the human I once was. I am Jasper Cullen, and I do not deserve you Bella. Surely you can see that now." Before I could protest he disappeared with a rush of wind into the warm night. Tears sprung to my eyes, I knew that he would never come see me again. He had decided.

Chapter One

Lunchboxes and Blood

"Go away Izzy, no one wants to play with you. You'll just run and tattle on us anyway." Kyle pushed me away from the soccer team. I stared up at him and my lips began to tremble.

"But I can play," I whimpered. Everyone laughed and turned away from me. Anger flashed through me and I grabbed a nearby basketball and hurled it at Kyle's head. It made contact with a sick thwack. He immediately began crying and ran to the yard duty before I could apologize.

The plump grumpy woman appeared and escorted me away to the vocal amusement of my peers. "Ooooh Bella's in trouble!" I crossed my arms and refused to look back at them.

"Now sit here for the rest of recess and think about how mean you've been. When you're ready to apologize you can play again." The short, chubby yard duty trudged away in annoyance. I sighed and leaned back against the concrete wall where we usually played wall ball, but today it was the time out wall. There were two other kids on the wall today. One was Jessica, who was always in trouble for being mean to girls and making them cry, and Jasper, who never wanted to socialize with any of the kids. I groaned. Why couldn't I just make some friends already?

"Hey," Jasper whispered. I looked at him with interest. He was lanky, had shabby blond hair, and pouty lips. He had lots of freckles and a deep southern drawl from when he lived in Texas. I'd never really talked to him before, and as far as I knew he never tried to talk to anyone either. He smiled and held out a piece of granola bar to me. I looked at him confused and noticed he had brought his lunchbox to recess. There wasn't much at all, just the granola bar and an apple, and he was still sharing it with me. I smiled back and took it from him gratefully.

"I'm Jasper." He mentioned casually as he took a bite of his own granola piece.

"I know," I said through a mouth full of food.

He laughed quietly. "And you're Bella, huh?" I nodded and stared out at the soccer field, watching as everyone else played the game I so desperately loved. I wanted to show them how good I was at the game, but they never gave me a chance. Jasper saw me staring and smiled again. "You know, my brothers are both on the soccer team at the high school. If you wanted to come over and play I'm sure they'd play a game with us." My eyes lit up.

"Ok! Sounds great!" I answered enthusiastically. He smiled one last time then turned back to staring at the ground, his cheeks burning. He was a shy boy.

. . . .

"Jasper! Bella is here to play!" I smiled at the tall blonde woman in front of me nervously. Jasper's mother smiled back and ushered me in to the house. They weren't millionaires but they definitely weren't in need. I was sitting in a large living room space with a large flat screen TV and three white suede couches. To my left, there was an archway that led to a large open kitchen and I could see two boys sitting at the table eating cereal and bacon.

One of the boys who appeared to be the younger of the two waved at me in greeting. The other simply rolled his eyes. "Jasper will be right down," his mother continued, "Would you like anything?" I smiled and shook my head. "No thank you, Mrs. Hale." She lightly squeezed my shoulder. "It's Tanya, Bella." Again, I simply nodded. She returned the gesture and then pointed out her other two sons.

"That's James," The older eye rolling one nodded, "And that is Seth." James looked like Jasper with blonde hair and a tall lanky body, but Seth seemed very different. He was darker with dark hair and eyes. Before I could ponder that too much Jasper came running down the stairs smiling.

"Hey Bella!" He grabbed my hand and started to lead me out to the backyard. "Meet us out there ok guys?" He shouted back to his brothers. They nodded but made no move to follow. Their backyard was less impressive than the rest of the house, but it would be great for soccer. I followed Jasper to a small shed and helped him rummage around for the ball and some collapsible net goals.

"Is Seth from a different dad?" I asked suddenly.

Jasper laughed. "Yeah, and a different mom. We adopted him a few years ago," he explained to my confused face.

"Oh."

"All right twerp! Time to get your butt kicked in soccer!" I heard one of his brothers-presumably James-shout from the house. We giggled and went to set everything up.

He was a generous boy.

. . . . .

"C'mon Bella don't be shy!" Jasper yelled to me. Several eyes were staring intently at me as I sat before them holding a guitar. I knew how to play one song on this guitar and that one song could be my saving grace or my ruin. Jasper smirked at me from across the campfire. A wicked gleam came into his eyes as he began chanting, "Bella! Bella! Bella!" Soon the whole group joined in and my face flushed. It was his cocky grin that ended up spurring me to start playing.

"I've heard there was a secret chord," I began singing quietly. The group listened intently as I mumbled through the verse and chorus. When I reached the second verse Jasper jumped in loudly, "Your faith was strong but you needed proof! You saw her bathing on the roof," He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and the campers laughed, "Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya!" He gestured to me like Romeo to Juliet and I rolled my eyes. He was an excellent singer, but boy was he a ham! We continued to sing together for the remainder of the song and when the last chord echoed the campers clapped more than politely. I blushed profusely. I hated public performances and Jasper knew that. I glanced up and saw him smiling at me with warmth I recognized. I smiled back confidently. I knew that no matter what happened Jasper would be there for me. He was a sweet boy.

. . . .

"Jasper are we supposed to be out here at night?" I whimpered, flashing my light back and forth over the path.

"Shhhh! You're gonna wake 'em up!" I shivered at the thought. Together we crept across the front lawn of Mr. and Mrs. Hackett. They lived right next to the haunted cave and it was necessary to cross their yard. As a result, kids could only visit the cave once they were asleep.

It was Jasper's dumb idea to come out to see the cave. He said he wanted to show me something. This idea came after watching several movies including My Girl and Practical Magic—at my insistence of course.

After some tricky maneuvering up the rocks we reached the summit of the hill which led to the mouth of the cave. He didn't enter; instead he sat down outside the cave in a bath of moonlight. Now that we were out of the trees I no longer needed my flashlight. The full moon washed the hillside in a bright shimmering light. It was still creepy.

I sat beside him and waited for him to explain. Eventually he spoke up.

"Bella, you're my best friend." I snorted.

"I used to be your _only_ friend," I teased and I nudged his shoulder. He smiled lightly and looked at me sideways. "But really Bella, you've been there longer than anyone else has my whole life and it's only been three years. I feel like we'll always be friends, Bella." I smiled and looked up at the sky.

"I think so too, Jasper."

"Bella?"

I turned and saw the he was holding a safety pin. I raised an eyebrow then snorted. "Alright weirdo." He grinned and gently pricked both our fingers. We touched our blood together and completed the 'blood brothers' bond. I laughed and pulled him into a hug. He returned it and when he pulled away I noticed it had gotten a bit cold.

"We should head back," I sighed.

"Yeah alright," He responded, grabbing his flashlight. He grabbed my hand and led me down the path and we walked hand in hand home. He was a warm boy.

. . . .

**Bella Im coming over**

I read my text message and smiled. I went to my door and unlocked it then quickly texted my parents that Jasper was coming over for a bit. Not ten minutes later he showed up, flustered and seemingly angry.

"Uh oh." I muttered. I knew what had happened just by the look on his face.

He plopped unceremoniously onto my couch and grumbled, "She was." I rolled my eyes.

"Of course she was cheating on you, Jasper, its Jessica Stanley. She's had her eyes on Newton for years, though God knows why." I sat beside him and put my arm around him. He sighed and leaned back into me.

"I don't know why I even bothered dating her. She wasn't right for me."

I shook my head. He was right, they were very different people. For one, he was actually a good human being. We sat for a bit in silence. He was definitely angry but I could tell he was a little upset.

"Hey c'mon. Let's go get some pizza." I smiled and pulled him up off the couch. He was still pouting so I tossed him my keys and demanded, "You drive. Let's go." He rolled his eyes at me but I saw the hint of a smile on his lips.

He drove us to the pizza parlor in town in my old beat up Chevy. He loved my truck; he said it fit me to a T. One large pepperoni pizza later and he was spilling his guts about him and Jessica. He hadn't really loved her but she was his first girlfriend and they had dated for about six months, which when you're sixteen is a very long time. I grabbed the little white table that is put on the pizza to hold up the box and piled pepperoni on it silently. Jasper laughed at me.

"You still do that." I glanced up and smiled at him. It used to be a game for us. We would compete to see who could put the most items on the table without it falling. He would always win; I was too clumsy.

"Yup, I never change," I laughed. He didn't respond so I looked up. He was staring at me with a funny look.

"Yes you do Bella. You've changed a lot actually," He mumbled the last part and blushed. My own blush flared up when I understood his meaning. He thought I was pretty. This was his weird way of telling me that he no longer saw me as his blood brother. Things were going to change after tonight, but for now I decided to let it go and cheer up my best friend.

"Thanks Jasper," I said sincerely and when he looked up I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and shook his head. "Ok," he acquiesced, "You haven't changed that much." He was a beautiful boy.

. . . .

I pinned up my hair to the side so that it wouldn't get in my eyes later. My hair had grown quite long over the years so I was able to pull off some pretty nice curls tonight. I had to admit, with that, my makeup and the stunning midnight blue dress my mom had bought me I didn't look half bad. Two weeks ago Jasper had asked me to our Senior Prom, as per our agreement we made when we were freshmen. However, the promise seemed to mean something different now.

Two years ago we had both acknowledged our attraction to each other but had decided to ignore it for the sake of our friendship. We wanted to be absolutely sure before doing anything rash. I'd met him when I was ten, and now at seventeen, for the first time I didn't know how to react to him tonight.

I wasn't worried; I always enjoyed my time with Jasper. Still, my heart fluttered every time I thought about it. My doorbell rang and I hurried downstairs with my coat. My parents had already let Jasper in and were beginning the ensuing photo session. I sighed and walked over to join the miserable sap. He grinned when he saw me and pulled me into his side with his arm on my waist.

"Picture time!" He shouted in a high pitched 'girly' voice. We all laughed and we began to pose for our traditional pre-Prom pictures. When we headed out Charlie stopped us and looked Jasper square in the eye. "You make sure she has a nice time Jasper." The serious tone was rare for my father but it soon turned joking. "No tomfoolery you hear! I'll have to arrest you if you ruin her night!" He jokingly pulled out his police issued handcuffs and Jasper rolled his eyes.

"I promise Chief." With that we headed out to our Prom.

It was about what we expected complete with the stereotypical decorations and crappy music with our peers grinding along. We decided to try a different approach. When we were fourteen Jasper's parents had taught us how to ball room dance for the fun of it. Our skills were a bit rusty but slowly we began to glide along the dance floor in a very mismatched way to the music.

"You look really nice tonight Bella," Jasper complimented as he twirled me. I blushed predictably but I felt no real embarrassment. I liked that he thought that. He looked rather nice too. We danced for several songs before a slow song came on. I stopped and began to walk towards the punch, assuming that we would skip out on the slow dances, but Jasper pulled me back in, closer than I had been before. We were flush against one another, one hand on my waist and one holding my left hand we began to sway. I looked up shyly wondering what I would see on Jasper's face.

My heart dropped to my stomach when I saw the look of pure adoration on his face. "Bella?" He whispered. I leveled my eyes to his and watched as he slowly moved toward me as if to kiss me. Just when I thought his lips would touch mine he turned and kissed my cheek. He whispered into my ear, "Bella, can I kiss you?" Goosebumps broke out along my body and I knew he felt it when he laughed lightly. My own answering giggle slipped out and I nodded and hummed my approval. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. Hazel met chocolate just briefly before they both slowly closed and instead lips met lips. It was a shock of warmth from the start, unlike any other kiss I'd experienced including Jake who had a perpetual fever it seemed. I relaxed into his arms and when we pulled back I rested my head on his shoulder. We slowly swayed to the music for the rest of the night despite the fact that most of the songs were pop songs. We didn't care. He was a man.

. . . .

A year had passed since High School graduation and Jasper and I were sitting in my apartment with an empty bottle of wine and some tequila. After Prom we had decided to just be content with the occasional kiss or held out hug until after High School. We weren't dating each other, but we weren't dating anyone else either. Soon thereafter we had both been accepted to different, though nearby, colleges and had gone on our way. We made it a point to see each other at least once a week which usually turned into drunken weekend movie/dinner parties. Tonight we had been watching Big Fish and drinking our respective glasses of wine when inspiration had struck and we began a drinking game using tequila.

Every time the world 'father' or 'Bloom' was used we either took a sip of wine or a shot of tequila. It wasn't the cleverest of drinking games but needless to say it wasn't long before I was a slobbering mess. Jasper held his liquor fairly well, but I'd always been a bit of a lightweight. I was currently debating with him over the pros and cons of liquid nacho cheese and real cheese.

"But Bella, obviously liquid cheese is more traditional than normal cheese on nachos!" I huffed indignantly and he smirked. He was fucking with me and I knew it, but it still pissed me off that he wasn't getting the gravity of this discussion.

"But Jasper, with normal cheese you can choose how melted/burnt you want it! I like my cheese almost burnt and you can't burn liquid nacho cheese!" He pushed my shoulder and teased, "Well normal people can't no, but I'm betting you could burn it."

Growling I jumped up and headed towards my kitchen. I stumbled a bit on the way and he followed me with obvious interest in his eyes. The world was a bit skewed so I simply sat on the counter and pointed to the fridge. "Get the cheese and grate it mmk?" Jasper raised an eyebrow and I crossed my arms. "Pleeeeease?" I begged. He shrugged and retrieved the cheese and made short work of grating it.

I clapped giddily and hopped down from the perch. Jasper moved to steady me but I righted myself and proudly walked over to the cabinet to get a plate and tortilla chips. "Here," I handed both to him and instructed him—kind of—on how to make perfect nachos. They came out crunchy as hell and not appetizing but I was determined to make a point so I pretended and ate a few hmming in appreciation.

"Bella, you're ridiculous." Jasper finally stated after a few minutes of over the top eating. I sat back and pouted. "Don't be mean Jasper." I grumbled and closed my eyes. I was beginning to get sleepy. I heard him sigh adoringly and soon felt myself being carried by a pair of warm strong arms. Jasper had filled out in the last nine years and he no longer resembled the lanky freckled boy from before. He was tall and lean but muscled and tanned. His blond hair had darkened into a honey color that shone just slightly.

I felt myself being lowered into my bed and his arms begin to slip away.

"No come back," I pouted. He didn't move at first but eventually he lay down beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I snuggled back against him and his chin rested on my head. Surrounded by his warmth I quickly fell asleep. He was a kind man.

A few hours later when I woke up I felt something heavy across my hips. I struggled to remember before I fell asleep and soon I realized with a smile it was Jasper's leg which he had slung over me like a koala bear. He was snoring deeply and twitching slightly in his sleep, but he looked absolutely peaceful. Already I could feel my head pounding so as regrettable as it was I extricated myself from his grasp and headed to the bathroom.

I popped some Advil into my mouth and swallowed with a wince. I brushed my teeth hoping to rid myself of the nauseous taste of morning after drinking breath. My stomach rumbled unpleasantly from the booze, nachos and pills so I chewed some Tums and headed back to bed where I found Jasper half-awake looking around the room. When he spotted me he smiled sleepily and held out his hand. I gladly took it and lowered myself back onto the bed beside him. He tucked his head into the crook of my neck and pulled me against him. He did this in a completely innocent gesture like a child with a teddy bear, but to my more awake mind I realized the implications of this position.

Slowly I wrapped my arms around his neck and tucked my head into his neck. He sighed contentedly but when I tentatively kissed him gently on his neck he froze slightly and pulled back to look at me. He was no longer half-asleep.

"Bella?" He asked quietly. My eyes never left his as I leaned towards his lips. He stared at me in shock until the very last moment when our lips finally touched again after several months of no contact. It didn't take him long to respond. He kissed back harder than before and pushed me backwards so that he was lying across me. His lips massaged mine and with a few little touches of his tongue he coaxed my mouth open. His hands wandered across my shoulder to my neck, along my waist and rested at my hips. I groaned when he began to pull my hips towards his.

Jasper had more experience with this than I, though I wasn't a virgin. He'd lost his virginity to Jessica, and ironically I had lost mine to Mike Newton a few months before he and Jessica had gotten back together. Mike was not the best in any physical way, and Jake was only a bit better when I'd slept with him a year later. Jasper had told me about three girls total that he'd been with, but the most recent was a drunken one night stand named Maria a few months back. That's when we stopped our casual romance and returned to strictly friends. I hadn't wanted it per se, but I preferred it to being his girl on the side.

But now as he began to pull me closer and closer to him I began to realize that all along it was me he had wanted and it was him I had needed. All hesitation vanished I pushed him back and straddled him without breaking the kiss. He gasped for air and threw his head back when I lightly ground against him.

"Fuck, Bella, what are…what are you," He moaned again when I latched onto the side of his neck without slowing my movements. His hand gripped my hips lightly at first then roughly the more I kissed and teased him.

"Uhhhh Bella stop…stop teasing me darlin'….God Bella…" He muttered slightly frustrated. I smiled and kissed him sloppily.

"Make me," I whispered into his dazed face. Clarity hit him fast and without pause he sat up with me still straddling his waist and began to strip off my shirt. When it was gone he only stopped a moment to admire it all before immediately ripped my bra off and kiss down my neck, to my collarbone, to my chest until he latched around my nipple. A jolt of pleasure shot to my toes at the feel of him. It wasn't even the location; it was just the fact that it was Jasper fucking Hale wanting me this way. I could feel how badly he wanted me pressing against my soaked underwear. He growled when I whimpered and gripped his hair tighter. He pulled back and rested his head against my chest.

"Sugar. Please. What do you want from me?" He sounded so defeated, so exhausted, but so breathless and excited at the same time. His accent slipped back in whenever he was distracted but I had never been so drawn to it before. I pushed him back from my chest and squared him in the eye before responding, "I want you Jasper Hale." His eyes widened and I felt a twitch from below that prompted me to pull off his shirt. I sat back so he could remove his belt and pants and I could remove my skirt. He hesitated. "Now when you say you want me..?" I laughed. We sat across from each other both clad only in our underwear, panting bright faced. Idiot boy. I smacked the side of his head and pulled him towards me. "I mean I want you Jasper. All of you." His eyes scoured my body and I shivered in anticipation. He didn't keep me waiting long.

He crawled over me forcing me on my back with my head against the headboard. "Bella I've wanted you since I was sixteen years old and now three years later when it's happening I just can't believe it." He looked into my eyes and sensing no hesitation he grinned and placed his hand against my center. I gasped in pleasure. He smiled and moved to kiss my neck while his fingers found their way under the elastic and into my folds. Groaning with need I gripped him closer and he pulled off the lacy underwear completely. He glanced at me and groaned. "I'm such a lucky guy."

I pulled on his underwear until we both lay nude writhing together touching and feeling. He brought me to the verge again and again alternating between slow strokes of my clit to fast curling inside me. Finally he stared me in the eyes and let me reach my climax before he pulled back and searched for his pants. I sat up slightly, knowing what he was looking for and I was both thrilled and nervous. I wanted him so badly and he obviously felt the same, but it had been a couple years since I'd done anything and this was Jasper.

This was Jasper. He wouldn't hurt me, and whatever I had to give him he would cherish. I knew this. I had no reason to worry. He reappeared and sheathed himself before laying back over me. He slowly guided himself to my entrance and silently asked permission. I reached my hand up and grasped his hair, pulling him down for a deep kiss. He pushed in quickly, my body readjusting after so long without an intrusion. Every inch of him felt incredible in me and I wanted nothing more to feel this every moment of my life.

Then he began to move. It was slow at first and he had to pause a few times to collect himself, but soon he had built up a rhythm and I had found a corresponding one to continuously meet his hips. He moved in an out faster and faster until I became incoherent and a warm tingle spread throughout my body in a flash. Jasper groaned at the tightening of my walls around him and it wasn't long after that he followed me.

The whole thing lasted only twenty minutes, but it was twenty of the best minutes of my life.

. . . .

Two months later we moved in together. We continued to go to our respective schools but now every day when we came home, it was to one another. Usually it was to the other lying naked waiting for a warm welcome home. Sometimes we fought, but nine years of friendship had taught us how to deal with one another.

The sex however took a while to explore and discover. I discovered that his ears and neck were incredibly sensitive, and he found that I enjoyed a little rough play during. Always the gentleman, he made sure I came at least once before pursuing his own release. We were blissfully happy with one other. It wasn't long before we said I love you. There was never much time between either. He had been a shy boy, a generous boy, a sweet boy, a beautiful boy, a man, a kind man and now after all this time he was finally _my_ man.

. . . .

"Bella what do you mean you can't find him?" My mother asked.

"Exactly that mom! He didn't come home after work, which was already strange but when he still hadn't shown up this morning…"Tears spilled down my cheeks and my throat constricted.

"Have you tried calling him?" She asked concerned.

I nodded then replied, "Yes several times each hour. I called the police but they say it's too early to file a report. Mom I'm scared," My voice cracked and so did my resolve. My Jasper was gone.

. . . .

A year passed with no clues. No sign. No sound. I never accepted the lack of closure but there was nothing I could do and I knew it. I dropped out of college and moved back home. I thought I needed something familiar and both of our parents needed me, but Jasper lingered everywhere, and soon it became too much. I applied for a job a few cities over and moved into a small apartment: alone. He _was_ my man.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Since I got such a positive response I decided to update the next chapter. To be honest this chapter was hard for me. It's a bit of a transition chapter and unfortunately I'm not good at those. I tried but I apologize for any stiff wording or rushed scenes. Since this is rated M I think we all know where I want this story to go and I'm hoping to get there quickly ;) So anyways here is Chapter Two of "Always" and be sure to R+R if you have a moment. I'm open to suggestions regarding the direction of this story and would love to hear any requests for moments or pairings other than JasperXBella.**

Chapter Two

Alone

JPOV

I glared at the short pixie haired girl across from me. She stared back half in hope, half in despair.

"Jasper-"

"-Shut up." I growled. She remained silent like she should. We'd been sitting in this little shack for almost a month now and I had yet to 'warm up to her' as she put it. I didn't want to warm up to her, I wanted to fucking kill her. She was the reason for all of this. She was responsible. She had taken my life from me in more ways than one. She still hadn't told me why she had chosen me, but it didn't matter. I did not choose her and I never would.

Even if I never saw her again, and I was hoping I wouldn't-lie- I would always belong to Bella. I could learn to move on with this life-lie-though not with Alice. I could maybe even be happy again-lie-someday. She deserved better than this. She deserved a man who could give her a full life with children. I could no longer do these things for her and it was all because of this little black haired bitch named Alice.

I felt a stab of hurt and I glanced up in time to see her eyes fade from the gazed state they became when she saw a vision. I must've tried to kill her again. Her sadness hung over me like a blanket and it sickened me. My southern upbringing often made me feel guilty about constantly behaving rudely to a lady, but I could not forgive her for this no matter what my upbringing.

She had done one good thing for me though. She had taught me to be a 'vegetarian' so that I could spare human lives. At least I wasn't a complete monster. A part of me thought that it really didn't matter except for one human, but the stronger part insisted that I would do no more to hurt Bella. She would never know, but I had to do this for her.

Alice's emotions were swirling too chaotically for my comfort so I left the shack and headed to the outlook nearby. It overlooked a vast forest.

Everything was new and weird and horrible. For some reason I could feel people's emotions and that both scared and annoyed me. Daily Alice would flit between guilt and arousal and the latter was the one that would set me off. I was a "newborn" as she called it. My emotions would be completely volatile for a while. Still, every time I myself felt any kind of arousal, all I wanted to do was die. What had I ever done to deserve this? I had been a good person back home, but I wasn't at home anymore. I would never be home again.

I had no home anymore.

. . . .

When she finally took me to her 'family' my resentment towards her had dulled slightly. I still wanted nothing to do with her, but I no longer thought about killing her every hour. For the first few weeks I latched entirely on Esme who reminded me of my mother. She taught me several techniques to keep my human memories alive. With her help I was able to remember everything about my life, about my family, about my Bella. This may have not been the best thing.

Eventually I befriended Emmett as well. Turns out that just like me a vampire had changed him to be her mate. He was with her for a while but ultimately broke it off with her when he decided to return to his fiancée. He accidentally killed her a few weeks later. This furthered my resolve to never see Bella again. I would not do that to her. I wouldn't let myself.

Edward and I had a tentative friendliness with one another. He could hear all my resentments to the family and to this life, and I could feel his. We were both suffering in silence, but together. We rarely talked and the only true interaction we had was when he would play piano and I would hum along. I wasn't in control of my strength enough yet to hold a guitar without shredding it, so I had to resort to simply humming my favorite tunes. It grew old quickly.

A year passed in incredible monotony. When you don't sleep you have a lot of time on your hands. I couldn't occupy mine like the others until I mastered my strength so it became my main goal. That Christmas, my first without Bella since I was ten, Esme gave me a guitar as a reward for my patience and accomplishment at mastering my strength. My thirst was still a control issue and they assured me it would be for years to come.

That New Year's Carlisle invited me into his office. We talked about my human life and my passions and he helped me decide on some goals for myself.

Goal one: With my new identity provided by a family friend in place, I would begin taking online college courses as a way to take up time and promote my learning. I had forever after all.

Goal two: Forgive Alice. This one would take some time, but ultimately I had to talk to her and try to understand her side of it all. If I could forgive Alice, I could truly join this family with no resentments.

Goal three: Let go of my past.

Goal three was going to be impossible for a very long time.

. . . .

Without delay I began on my first goal. Jasper Cullen was now enrolled online to take several history classes and an English course. I of course had unlimited time with remarkable focus, so I was able to take 18 units easily. My favorite class was the History of the Union. The civil war had always interested me, but I'd never before thought about it the way I did now.

Soon my room in the house was covered with artifacts and letters from the civil war. I was really turning into a collector. The family had a large supply of money from the decades of living without the cost of food or medical treatment. Alice had helped a bit in the stock market when she had joined them and soon they'd collected a vast amount of wealth. Esme regularly donated a large sum to charity which I thought really brought meaning to her existence. Carlisle helped at the hospital saving lives, and currently Edward was teaching online medical courses. Emmett would occasionally join a building crew for the day as a volunteer effort. I soon decided that I needed to do something to help others as well.

With limited control over my thirst I obviously couldn't help anyone in person. I kept the thought in my mind in case I thought of something to do. Alice remained safely at a distance from me but I could feel that she was proud of me. I wasn't sure to feel about that.

My second goal regarding Alice took a few more months. I began by slowly easing myself into her social circle. I'd sit in the same room as her doing my homework, or I'd show her an article I thought she might enjoy. Slowly we built a sort of understanding. I did not like what she did, but I no longer blamed her. She was lonely and out of control just like me. While I wouldn't consider her a friend, she did become a part of my family.

March rolled around sooner than I expected and sorrow crept into my dead heart. Bella would be turning twenty-one this month, and I wouldn't be there to see it. I would not be turning twenty-one two months after her. We would not go to bars together. She would go with someone else. Emmett felt my projected emotions and came to join me on the balcony. We sat side by side and talked about the women we loved for hours. Emmett had grown to accept that he had lost her, but he still would not let go of the fact that he had been the one to take her from this world. I think I would've lost respect for him if he had forgiven himself. "Emily. Emily was her name." He told me quietly one evening. "Bella." I responded.

. . . .

My fingers picked over the guitar in a sort of reverence. The fingertips that once would have calloused under such circumstances held up just fine to my hours of playing. I didn't realize how long I'd been playing and humming until Alice came into the room and sat down. She had left to go hunting-I glanced at the clock, whoa!-five hours ago. I nodded to her as acknowledgement. She sighed.

Her mood was all over the place and I was guessing it had to do with my upcoming second year anniversary. "What are you playing?" She asks softly. Our mutual agreement to be civil did not include this sort of interaction, so it was odd that she had initiated it. My hands froze briefly before picking back up at the beginning.

No one will ever know

What it means to love you,

My dearest my sweetest,

Like I love you

No one will feel the way I felt

Holding you at night

Hoping and praying only

That you sleep alright

And no one will ever miss you

The way I miss you, darling

Every single night and day

Every single lonely morning

But we can never be

The way we once were

So I'll become just a him

But you'll never be just a "her"

I love you

I miss you

I need you

Good bye baby

Good bye

The final chords echoed through the room mixing with the waves of anguish emanating off our cold bodies. If tears were possible Alice might have drown us all. I knew she felt guilty. I knew it was her fault. I also knew that this couldn't define her life forever. So with that thought I stood up and laid my guitar down, pausing only briefly to bestow a small hug on the crying girl before leaving the house. Tonight was going to be a hard one.

. . . . .

BPOV

"Hey asshole! Can we get another fucking round over here?" Leah snapped over the booming music. I rolled my eyes and smirked. Leah was such a handful and a bitch if we are playing the honest game, which after 5 shots we definitely were. Thus far my 21st birthday was turning into a quick downward spiral of Leah and company attempting to get me drunk and getting sloshed instead. While the whole thing was more than I had planned for the evening, I knew my party spirit was wearing out.

Leah huffed and sat next to me as a very irritated blonde bartender set down our tray. She noticed my melancholy and sighed. "I knew we should've made you get Vodka." I snorted.

"Vodka or no I wasn't going to be much fun tonight Leah," She grimaced. _Plus_, I thought, _I really needed that "Southern Comfort" tonight. _

"C'mon Bella." She whispered so the others couldn't hear. "It's been almost two years, and I know that is not nearly enough time to heal, but it is time to start that process. Dontcha think?" She raised her eyebrow and I nodded with a sigh.

"So Bella," Jacob muttered far too close to my face, "What are your plans for next weekend?" Leah glared at his obviously premature advancements. It was easier to ignore him than anything else so I wobbled my way up to a standing position and pulled Leah and the new girl Rose out onto the floor. Sweat and alcohol mixed in the crowded air of the dance floor. Leah quickly found a victim to grind on while Rose chose to attempt a furthering of our friendship.

"So Bella, what's the deal with Jacob?" I sighed dramatically and laughed lightly.

"Jacob is just a little boy looking for a free ride, and I'm kind of like the bitchy Carnie that always says no." She smirked. I wasn't sure what to make of Rose. She was first and foremost drop dead gorgeous. Blonde wavy hair, huge but firm chest, small waist, flared hips and legs that went alllllllll the way up. However, I was starting to think that Rose was more than just the hot sorority girl. There were times when I could've sworn that I'd caught her reading car magazines. She was a man's perfect dream.

"Interesting metaphor there Bella," she laughed and leaned back to sway to the music. Rose seemed like she could be a good friend. Too bad I wasn't in the mood for a friend.

Paul, the DD, dropped me off at home around 2am with a bottle of water and aspirin and a quick "happy birthday". I say quickly because at that moment Jacob decided to start puking and therefore took Paul's attention. I smiled and waved as they pulled out of my gravel driveway, but the smile quickly faded when I entered my small, dark, empty house. _Happy Birthday Bella Swan, what's your wish?_

_Fuck you all. That's the reality of this situation. _With an irritated grumble I headed upstairs to fall into restless sleep. Tonight was going to be a hard one.

. . . .

My alarm went off all too early the next morning, bringing my attention to the reality I had so desperately sought to escape the night before. I had plans to meet Jasper's parents for dinner this evening and spend the weekend with my parents. They were things that needed to be done, things that had been done the year before, and things that would be done the next years. I owed it to them and we owed it to each other.

As much as I sometimes wished, no amount of sadness could erase eleven years of familial thoughts.

God this sucked.

My morning took twice as long as it should have considering that I was already packed, but regardless by the time I left Tacoma it was already 2 pm and wit hour drive waiting me I knew I was pushing it. Around the halfway mark I got a phone call from my mother. I turned on the Bluetooth and answered, "Hey mom."

"Sweetie? Are you driving?"

I sighed. "Yes but I have the hands-free set on don't worry."

"That's still distracted driving Bella and it's dangerous," my father's voice grumbled out in the background. Ignoring the habitual safety talk I asked, "What's up guys?"

Renee sighed but continued past the point anyways, "Well we were just calling to check on you. We know that today is kind of a hard day for you and we know that we won't see you until after your dinner with the Hale's and-"

"I'm fine mom. I'm gonna get off the phone now since I'm driving and all-"

"Sweetie-"

"Bye!" With a forceful push I ended the call and tried my best to drive through the building tears. Good fucking luck with that.

"Dammit," I muttered and pulled over to the shoulder of the road and allowed myself ten minutes to regain composure.

This _sucked. _

It was night by the time I got to Forks and with only 30 minutes before our dinner reservations the Hales and I met quickly.

"Bella, it's so good to see you again." Tanya folded me in her arms warmly. Despite the purpose of this meeting Tanya was as gracious and caring as she had always been. I suddenly felt like that ten year old little girl who had scraped her knee playing soccer all over again. My cheeks were wet and hot as I shook in her arms. I felt her returned misery. Jasper's father came in with the boys and with a sad look we all hugged and departed for the restaurant.

I felt terrible. Usually I could hold in my tears around Tanya which is what she needed. Someone had to be the rock, and how could I ever ask his family to play that part?

When we reached the restaurant James jumped out of the car and headed towards the restaurant. Seth opened the door for me and we walked with Tanya and Harry.

"How have you been Bella?"

"About the same," I responded glancing to Seth's kind face, "How's Claire?"

He smiled brighter than before and laughed.

"She's great! She's got a friend named Rachel who James is after. In fact-"

"Seth, Bella, are you coming?" Tanya and Harry were holding the door to the restaurant open. We quickened our step and entered the old fashioned diner.

Dinner passed in companionable chatter with even James eventually opening up.

"I just don't know how to get to this girl, Bella. She is so different from all the other girls-"

"Thank god for that," I muttered cheekily. James had a terrible dating history full of pyschos that all stemmed from the very first crazy bitch Victoria. He merely grimaced at my comment. I laughed, "But seriously James, I'm happy for you. It's time that you moved on and actually got serious." He rolled his eyes and smiled, no doubt thinking about all the women beforehand. Dinner ended peacefully with a promise to meet up again before I left town. As much as I dreaded these meetings, I also relished them. I had missed them so much and while they definitely made me think of Jasper, they also helped ease the pain. I wasn't alone and I took strength in that.

. . . .

JPOV

"Just calm the fuck down dude!" Emmett shouted to me. I hardly heard him over the roar of my bloodlust. Edward stood in front of me, eyeing me warily as he read my unstable thoughts. I could feel his apprehension and it sickened me. My eyes darted to Emmett who stood behind me and I tensed up at the look on his face. What the hell had I done to deserve that look? Oh yeah…

"You need to think Jasper! Use your brain," Emmett continued as he inched closer to me. I whirled around and lunged, only to be caught from behind by Edward. Damn.

"I need to see her Emmett," I growled through my teeth, "Just one more time." He showed no signs of releasing me. "Please," I choked out and hung my head in defeat. Never again.

"No." Emmett said in a final tone before he and Edward escorted me back to the house. Deep in my heart I knew that Bella would be with her family-maybe even my family-today and just the knowing where she was killed me. I was so close.

My room was dark as it had been last year on this day. No light shone on me, no warmth reached me and my body did not care. It needed nothing but blood to fuel it. As I often did, I found myself praying to some unknown entity to help me. I never knew what I was praying for exactly, just anything that would help to improve this endless death. As always, my prayers went unanswered.

**So that was much shorter than the last, I will try to post longer chapters in the future. I uploaded this the same day because I had it ready and I was anxious for it to be up, but in the future it definitely will not be a daily upload. Thanks for reading!**


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